“Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you ... ”

— Classics IV

You’ve no doubt heard about “Paranormal Activity.” It's supposed to be a really scary movie, right?

“I had to sleep with the lights on for three nights after I saw it,” I heard someone claim.

"Scariest movie I have ever seen," another said.

So I went to see for myself.

You know what I was thinking as I left the theater? “That’s an hour and forty minutes I’ll never get back,” I grumbled under my breath. I could have used that $7 for something else, too, like food.

Talk about not living up to the hype.

“Paranormal Activity” is a colossal disappointment. A gargantuan letdown.

It is the story of a young couple trying to document strange goings on in their new two-story home. But there just isn't much going on, frankly.

Spoiler alert: Don’t read any further if you plan to see the movie and don’t want to know anything — although honestly there isn’t much to spoil.

In the entire movie, there might have been three scenes that poked my curiosity — and then, just barely.

Do not waste your money. Nothing happens, really, until the final 30 seconds.

When the final scene came and went, I thought, “Really?! I waited for that? A little blood splatter on a T-shirt and some crooked hillbilly teeth the filmmaker probably bought at a gag store?”

I’d heard moviegoers and professional critics praise the film for its perfect brew of drama that slowly heated to a terrifying ending.

Not even close.

It was boring. I caught myself yawning halfway through the flimsy fiasco.

The plot is thinner than single-ply generic toilet paper. My electric bill from the city is more frightening than this turkey.

I feel like Fox Mulder upon learning that the truth isn’t out there after all. Like a giddy, sugar-filled child learning too soon the truth about Christmas.

I wanted to be scared. I wanted to be moved yet petrified.

This movie did not stick with me when the lights came back up. It did not linger in the mind. In terms of any kind of impact, it was negligible.

The most overt reaction I had was to a very loud thud in the darkness, the couple bolting from bed to investigate and finding a chandelier in the living room swaying back and forth from the ear-pounding “boom.”

But that wasn’t fear. It was simply being startled — jarred — by a thunderous noise piercing the silence.

"Oh my God! That light fixture is moving!" Please.

If you really want to be scared, moved, petrified and creeped out, go watch some of my personal favorites for best scary movies of all time:

— “The Blair Witch Project” is simply terrifying. An absence of gore, guts and sex forces the viewer to use his own imagination — which can often conjure up the most terrifying scenes of all. It's what you cannot see that spooks you. Super heightened fear of the unknown times 10. You may never camp out in the woods again after seeing this movie. It's the story of three college film students on a quest to make a documentary about evil forces haunting the woods near Burkittsville, Md. The three vanish only to have their belongings and footage found one year later buried underneath a 100-year-old cabin.

— “Burnt Offerings,” stars Oliver Reed, Karen Black, the one and only Bette Davis, and the creepiest, ghoulish hearse driver ever to haunt the big screen and my dreams. It's the simple story of a family that rents out an old towering house in the country for the summer. But this turns out to be no ordinary house. It's what you might call the ultimate fixer upper. This story builds slowly but begins paying off soon and takes you to an ending you won't soon forget.

— “The Exorcist.” Hands down, one of the best scary movies of all time — heck, one of the best overall movies of all time. Director William Friedkin is a genius as he layers this tale of a young child's possession and her frantic mother's crying and raw-fisted journey to save her little girl. The special effects — the pea soup and dolls — may be a bit dated compared with today's flawless computer generated images, but it still holds up due to its compelling story line and rich characters who you will care about.

Happy hauntings.

That is all.

— Managing Editor John Charles Robbins can be reached at 272-6122 or jcr800@gmail.com.