The alarm sounded at 6:15 a.m. and as the sun crept through the windows, her day was just beginning.

Within the next 30 minutes, all three kids were out of bed, dressed and standing by the door with backpacks slung over shoulders. As she made her way into the kitchen, her mind darted over an imaginary checklist — “Are they dressed? Did they eat? Do they have everything they need? Good, let’s go, we’re running late.”

The next half hour was spent getting them to school, all the while passing slow drivers and big trucks. During the drive she answered no fewer than three work calls as she pondered the week’s meals and the next trip to the grocery. There was still laundry to do, appointments to make, and dishes left in the sink. This was just the first week of school.

If you are a female reader, you understand. A 2019 study found that 65% of mothers in the United States are employed and three-fourths of them manage the household as well. In short, the study found that women take on the majority of the cognitive labor or “worry work” in the household. It’s what my wife calls “the mental load.”

To be clear, women have always performed most of the household duties, but this is a little different. It has more to do with the invisible work. The American Sociological Review describes it as “the responsibility of ‘anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress.’” This is very different from household chores.

“When are the kids’ next checkups? Do we have enough bread? When is my next car service?” It’s like a running checklist of things that need to be done either now or very soon. It’s mental gymnastics on top of all the work she is already doing.

Recently added to the equation are quarantines. Within the first few weeks of school, some moms (and dads) were forced to stay home with their kids because someone in the family had been exposed to COVID-19. I don’t mind telling you, my family was one of them. And during that time, we struggled with our kids missing more days of school than they had attended, as well as staying on top of their assignments. And the stress of worrying about the children’s health and safety on top of everything else.

I consider myself a model husband and father, and very often I see what’s going on and I offer things like “What can I do to help?” and “You should’ve asked!” And I’ve also been guilty of saying things like “Don’t let it stress you out, it’s all going to be fine.”

Unbeknownst to me, none of this is helpful. Sure, it’s good to know that your partner recognizes that your hands are full, but it doesn’t relieve them from all the responsibility either. One study I looked at said that nine out of 10 mothers say they feel responsible for all the family schedules and that they barely have time for their own self-care. Nearly 75% of mothers feel like it’s their job to stay on top of the kids’ affairs, and half of them said they are facing burnout.

So just how do husbands and dads help reduce the mental load? Start with “thank you.” When she hears those words, she knows you get it, and she knows you appreciate all she is doing. That alone will do wonders. Observation and communication are essential. If you notice the weight she’s under, jump in wherever you can. Wash the dishes, do the laundry, perform one of the duties you know that she handles. Offer to take the kids out so she can have some alone time. Make dinner (or order out). Let her know you’re aware of the burden she’s under.

The whole family should be open to feedback and constructive criticism, especially when it comes from her. Listen to her and understand that sometimes that’s all she needs — someone to realize that she’s running crazy even if she looks like it’s all under control.

The mental load is very real, especially in these crazy times. Some women bear it well; sometimes they don’t even show the stress, but it’s there. Remember, she’s the glue that holds the family fabric together, so guys do your part and then do a little more. She’ll be happier and so will we all because of it.

James Bass is the executive director of the Givens Performing Arts Center at The University of North Carolina at Pembroke.