Both my revulsion and my “this is stinking funny!” reflexes kicked into overdrive the instant I clicked onto X Labor Day Monday morning and saw a Protestia post that said, “Megachurch Pastor’s Wife Charging $16,999 To Be Part Of Her ‘Inner Circle’ + ‘Private Text Access.’” The post has links to the website, including the one in question to the exclusive Inner Circle Masterclass of Nicole Crank, where for 17k a year minus a dollar, you can learn all of her secrets to get your “breakthrough.” She and her husband, David, are apparently the co-pastors of Faith Church, a non-denominational church in St. Louis, Missouri.

To be fair, if you pay the entire amount up front, you can receive a 10% discount, bringing your total to just $15,500, which most of us no doubt have lying around in a drawer somewhere buried beneath a pile of Rolex watches.

For the unwashed masses, however, one can also pay $29.99 per month to be in her Circle of Friends.

Right off the bat, yes, I understand that ministers are indeed to be paid for their work, and I am grateful that I am. 1 Corinthians 9:7-11, 1 Timothy 5:17-18, and many more passages of Scripture make that seemingly easy-to-understand truth quite clear. Anyone who believes that people should have to work for free, in anything, is a bit of a crackpot and not to be taken seriously. That said, there is not a fine line between paying a pastor properly and the putrid prosperity gospel; there is a line as wide as the Grand Canyon between those two things.

But reading through this theologically cartoonish attempt at luxurious enrichment, I could not help but wonder how things would be if a somewhat different religious leader behaved similarly…

The air on the mountain was crisp and clear as Jesus took a seat on the rock, high enough up that everyone could see and hear Him. “Blessed are the meek,” he began, “for they shall inherit the earth.” Everyone was listening; it was clear he had their full attention. “But more blessed still are the bold, those who have pursued and achieved their breakthrough.” The disciples looked at each other a bit sideways, not sure where He was going with this. It seemed… different.

“I have come that you might have life – abundant life – wealthy life – life where no obstacles can stand in the way of you and your desires.” Both Peter and John scratched their heads a bit; some of these words were familiar, but there were some new additions that had them perplexed. They were sure, though, that Jesus would explain it all.

“My Father sent me here for you. Some of you, though, will be closer to me than others. I have called you friends – but to some of you, I will offer the opportunity for more. For 30 shekels of silver per month, you can be not just my friend but in my ‘circle of friends.’ You will be given access to my best sermons, be allowed to participate in a monthly prayer with me, and attend monthly guest influencer sessions with Peter and John, though I recommend against saying anything that may set Peter off.”

The crowd was murmuring a bit, unsure of what to think of this. But Jesus’ eyes were on a few very special people in the crowd, people like Joseph of Arimathaea and Nicodemus, people of means.

“But the most blessed of all shall be those who attain to my Inner Circle Masterclass. For those willing to sow a seed of faith in my ministry – ”

“You mean like a grain of a mustard seed?” someone innocently shouted back.

“Um, no,” Jesus said with a nearly imperceptible eye roll, “something more like a mountain. My Inner Circle Masterclass will be seventeen talents of silver.” A gasp went up through the crowd; that was a huge sum of money.

“It will be worth it,” Jesus said soothingly. “Those of you in my Inner Circle Masterclass will discover the limiting beliefs and behaviors that have held you back, things like believing you are not of this world, being a servant to all, and taking up the cross daily. You will also learn how to reduce stress by avoiding things like praying all night, fasting, and coming into contact with people who are weary and heavy laden.”

“You, unlike lepers and demoniacs and poor people, will have private access to me. And you will also have special reserved seating at the I Am The Son Of God and Jesus Of Nazareth events. And you will get a half-a-day group coaching session once a year.”

“But I thought you had nowhere to even lay your head and that you came to die for us,” a lady in the front said with obvious consternation. “That was the old plan,” Jesus said smugly. “My new plan is to maximize my potential for lasting gains.”

“What about rewards in heaven?” someone else shouted. “I can’t help you with that,” Jesus said, “But I can offer you a retreat in Nashville.”

“What if we can’t afford any of this?” came a plaintive plea from the midst of the crowd, “Can we still come and learn all of this amazing stuff, too?”

“Sorry,” Jesus replied, “No can do. Best I can do is offer you a spot on an old church pew somewhere in Ohio.”